


I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas

by BadWolfRose (BadWolf1988)



Category: NSYNC
Genre: 90's Music, Boyband, Christmas, Complete, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Holidays, May/December Relationship, Older Man/Younger Woman, Popstars, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8747221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf1988/pseuds/BadWolfRose
Summary: Kennedy Kirkpatrick has known Josh Chasez since she was eight-years-old and he was twenty. For Kennedy, it was love at first sight when she laid eyes on her brother's best friend and bandmate. She carries a secret torch for him for ten long years. When she's eighteen and a pop star herself, Josh suddenly stops seeing her as a little girl...but there are a few problems standing in the way of them being together. Kennedy is too shy to actually confess her feelings and Josh is scared he would be betraying Chris' trust by dating his little sister. Over the holiday season the begin to express their feelings through their music





	1. December 24, 1996

**Author's Note:**

> As with my other story No Greater Duty, I'm not exactly nice to Justin in this fic. He just rubs me the wrong way these days.
> 
> For the sake of this story, let's pretend that the songs listed in the second disclaimer are the exclusive work of Kennedy and JC. This is fiction. Go with it people! I also have tweaked the lyrics in a few of the songs.
> 
> Dedication: This story is dedicated to my late baby girl and best friend, Novalee. Yes, I'm dedicating this story to a dog...deal with it. And yes, I named her after the book/movie Where the Heart Is. It came out the same year that I got her.
> 
> Shout Out: I have become OBSESSED with the original short stories of @LaceEmHonMi over on Wattpad. She is my new muse. I was inspired to write this after reading two of her stories, Space Bound, and The Only Gift, she used an *NSYNC song and an Eminem song – yes, I know, conflict of interest when it comes to *NSYNC but I love who I love – respectively so she earned my respect. lol

Disclaimer: I do not know JC Chasez. I have no inside knowledge of his personal life. This story is just make believe. As far as I know, Chris Kirkpatrick does not have a sister named Kennedy. If he does...damn, I'm good.

Disclaimer # 2: Teardrops On My Guitar is copyright © Taylor Swift, Can't Make You Love Me is copyright © Britney Spears, Firework is copyright © Katy Perry, That Girl Will Never Be Mine is copyright © *NSYNC, Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know copyright © Britney Spears, I Can Love You Like That copyright © John Michael Montgomery , My Only Wish (This Year) copyright © Britney Spears, I Never Knew The Meaning Of Christmas copyright © *NSYNC

 

December 24, 1996

Orlando, Florida

 

I was so excited! My big brother Chris would be home any minute and I hadn't seen him in months. He had been in Germany with his new band, *NSYNC promoting their debut album. No one had heard of them here in the states yet but Chris said they were already really popular overseas.

Chris had called our mom a half hour earlier to let her know that he had landed safely at the airport and would be home as soon as he could get a taxi. He had also told her that he was bringing one of his bandmates, Josh, home with him. Apparently, there was a snow storm hitting where his parents lived in Maryland and all flights in had been canceled so he would be spending the holidays with us.

“Chris is home!” My older sister, Emily yelled from the living room.

I jumped up off my bed and went running down the stairs, taking them two at a time. On the last step, I lost my footing and tripped. I would have ended up hitting the hardwood floor face first if someone hadn't caught me. Looking up, my heart felt funny. It felt like it was beating faster. The boy that had caught me had the bluest eyes that I had ever seen and a friendly smile.

“You okay, kid?” He chuckled.

My face grew hot.

“Yeah, thanks,” I mumbled before I laid eyes on my big brother.

Forgetting my shyness, I ran and launched myself into his arms.

“It's good to see you too, Munchkin,” Chris hugged me before setting me down.

“I missed you,” I told him with a smile.

“I missed you too,” Chris smiled before turning to the man who had caught me. “Kennedy, this is my friend, Josh, he's in *NSYNC with me. He's one of the lead singers. Josh, this is my youngest sister, Kennedy.”

“It's nice to meet you, Kennedy,”

Why did my heart feel funny and face heat up everytime Josh talked to me? This was a new experience and it made me uncomfortable.

“It's nice to meet you too,” I mumbled before quickly escaping to go and watch TV in the living room. The new Christmas episode of Rugrats was on.

I could hear the adults talking in the entry hallway as I looked all over for the TV remote.

“Isn't that adorable?” I heard my mom say. “Kennedy has a crush on Josh,”


	2. November 23, 2000

Thanksgiving, 2000

Orlando, Florida

 

I really hated my life. At twelve, I was old enough to know how I felt about Josh but I was still too young to do anything about it. I just had to sit back and watch as he went from girlfriend to girlfriend, tearing my heart out a little bit at a time.

Today was no exception. It was the first time I had seen Josh in over six months. *NSYNC was now a huge success and the guys had been on the road most of the year on their No Strings Attached Tour. Josh's family was out of the country for Thanksgiving so my mom had invited him to join us. I was super pumped about this until he had shown up with a tramp wearing a short skirt and too much makeup. Apparently, her name was Bobbi and they had been together for months and the part that sucked the most was that she was actually nice and I had no reason to hate her besides my feelings for Josh.

“Mom, may I be excused?” I looked to my mother. All I wanted to do was lock myself in my room with the guitar that Chris had gotten me for my birthday. I wanted to get lost in my music and forget all about Joshua Scott Chasez.

“Sure, honey,” Mom nodded.

“It was good to see you again, Kennedy,” The object of my affections gave me a warm smile as I stood.

I gave him a tight smile, ignored Bobbi all together and gave Chris a quick hug before heading upstairs.

I closed my bedroom door, got my guitar out of its case, grabbed my songbook and a pencil and sat on my bed to write.

A few hours must have passed and I had written an entire song when I heard a knock on my door.

“Come in!” I called.

The door opened and I was surprised to find Josh standing there.

“Hey, kid, I was getting ready to head out and I wanted to say goodbye.” He smiled when he noticed my guitar and songbook. “It looks like Chris isn't the only one in the family who's musically inclined. Can I take a look?”

I quickly flipped my songbook over. I had used his name in my song and I didn't want him to see it.

“Sorry,” I blushed. “I have this thing about people reading my music. I'll play it for you, though,” I would just have to change Josh to something else. I know! Drew, the cute boy at school everyone – except me – had a crush on.

“I'd love to hear it,” Josh nodded.

Taking a deep breath, I picked up my guitar and started to play.

“Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see  
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be  
I'll know she's beautiful, that girl he talks about,  
And she's got everything that I have to live without.

Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's just so funny  
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me  
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,  
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?  
And there he goes, so perfectly,  
The kind of flawless I wish I could be  
She better hold him tight, give him all her love  
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I go home alone.  
As I turn out the light  
I'll put his picture down  
And maybe get some sleep tonight.

'Cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart  
He's the song in Mom's car I keep singing, don't know why I do  
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough  
And he's all that I need to fall into.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.”

As the song ended I looked up and Josh had a proud smile on his face.

“I'm going to talk to Chris,” He told me. “We need to get you recording. For someone so young you have a gift for songwriting and your voice is amazing.”

I hated that he mentioned how young I was but I was pleased that he thought that I had talent.

“Really?” I gave him a hopeful smile.

“Really,” He nodded before he turned serious. “And this Drew kid is an idiot. I'm sure there are a lot of boys out there who would treat you better.”

I didn't want a boy. I wanted a man. That was my problem. I wondered what he would say if he knew that he was Drew. He was my idiot.


	3. October 31, 2006

Halloween 2006

Hollywood, California

 

I was nervous as hell. I hadn't been to an album release party since I was sixteen. I guess I should fill you in on all that has happened in the last few years. Josh had been true to his word and talked to Chris. Together they had helped me put together a demo CD for their manager Johnny Wright. Johnny liked what he heard and signed me on the spot. Within a month he had gotten me signed to Jive Records, *NSYNC's label. I released my first single, Teardrops on my Guitar two days after my thirteenth birthday. My first album simply called Kennedy, was a runaway hit. My second album, Show Stopper was met with equal success. But after three years in the limelight, I found myself completely depressed. I was always away from home and my family, I was still hung up on Josh, and for someone who's poster adorned the walls of teenage boys all over the world and who filled stadiums with screaming teenagers, I felt all alone. If I wasn't on stage or in front of the camera putting on the “celebrity” act, I was socially awkward and shy. Halfway through my last world tour, the pressure and the depression became too much and I slit my wrists in a hotel bathroom in Paris. Luckily, Chris was visiting me on the road and found me in time. He got me to the hospital and I recovered physically but it was a long road before I finally got my mind and my emotions straightened out. I was now a few months past my eighteenth birthday. I was backstage at Sound Nightclub and I was about to perform for the first time in two years. In the time that I had been gone from the music scene, I had changed and so had my music. I no longer had the mousy brown hair that I was born with. I had dyed it jet-black and it hung in spiral curls that stopped at my shoulders. In my nose, an emerald stud was now on display. Even my style had changed. The pink tube tops and almost too short skirts were a thing of the past. Tonight I would be going onstage wearing a long *NSYNC t-shirt (in homage to the big brother who had saved my life and the man that I had secretly loved since I was a little girl) that came to just above my knees and had a bunch of slits up both sides over a pair of black leggings. On my feet were a pair of black leather knee-high boots.

I looked down at my arms. The scars from my suicide attempt were now covered with tattoos. On my right wrist, I had the words, “There are no tough times. Only tough people.” and on my left wrist, I had the poem Footprints in the Sand. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was being my true self.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...Kennedy Kirkpatrick!” I heard the DJ announce to the crowd.

I took a deep breath and made my way on stage. I reached up to make sure the microphone on my headset was turned on just before the music to my latest single started to play and the lights came down on me.

“I'm just a girl who's in love with you

Don't care about money  
It doesn't give me half the thrill  
To the thought of you and me, honey  
So tell me that you want me baby  
If only I could trade the fancy cars  
For a chance today, it's incomparable  
I might be sitting with the movie stars  
Everybody says that I just have it all

 

But I can't make you love me  
Is it my age or the things I do?  
Can't make you love me  
I'm just a girl who's in love with you

I have been through tough changes, yeah  
But I'm still the girl you used to know  
It's made me no different  
So tell me why we can't give it a go  
Oh baby, I will trade the fancy cars  
For a chance today, it's incomparable  
I might be sitting with the movie stars  
Everybody say that I just have it all

But I can't make you love me  
Is it my age or the things I do?  
Can't make you love me  
I'm just a girl who's in love with you

Just the thought of being close to you  
It's incomparable  
Should be happy with the life I live  
And the things I do  
Seems like I have it all

Can't make you, make you love me baby  
This is who I am, what can I do?  
Can't make you love me, alright  
I'm just a girl who's in love with you

I'm just a girl who's in love with you”

As the song came to an end, I looked out into the audience and saw Chris sitting in the front row with all three of our sisters and our mom. But they weren't the only ones who were there. Josh was sitting at the table with them. He had a weird look on his face but he was clapping along with everyone else.

I tried not to think about the fact that I had just performed a song that I had written about Josh while he had been seated in the audience. I had one more song to get through before I could leave the stage. I quickly traded my headset for a handheld microphone as the band started up my next song.

 

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag  
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?  
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin  
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?  
Screams but no one seems to hear a thing  
Do you know that there's still a chance for you  
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July  
'Cause, baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
As you shoot across the sky-y-y  
Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe  
You don't have to feel like a wasted space

You're original, cannot be replaced  
If you only knew what the future holds  
After a hurricane comes a rainbow  
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road  
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow  
And when it's time you'll know  
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July  
'Cause, baby, you're a firework  
Come on, show 'em what you're worth  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe  
Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon  
It's always been inside of you, you, you  
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause, baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst  
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon  
Boom, boom, boom  
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon”

Once my set was over, I made my way backstage to change. When I reached the door to the dressing room, I found Josh waiting for me.

“Hey, kid,” He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. “Amazing set,”

“Thanks,” I replied nervously. “It's good to see you. It's been a while...I haven't seen you since we went to Disney World after *NSYNC's last show.” And by last show, I meant the last show *NSYNC had performed together before Justin I'm-Better-Than-Everyone Timberlake blindsided the rest of the guys by going solo.

“Yeah,” He nodded. “Three years. I heard about what happened,” He nodded towards my wrists. “I'm glad to see you bounced back. I always knew you were strong.”

His words made me want to cry but I controlled myself.

“Sounds like you're still hung up on that Drew guy,” He commented. “If your first song was any indication,”

“Drew never existed,” Why the holy hell had I just said that?

His eyebrows raised in surprise. “Then who are you singing about?”

That was one hell of a loaded question.

“Someone that I've known since I was a kid. He's older than me and would never look twice at me,” I told him vaguely.

“Justin?” I could tell that he was joking to lighten the mood.

I laughed, “Yes, I am totally in love with Mr. I-Don't-Know-If-I'm-Michael-Jackson-or-Frank Sinatra,”

This made Josh crack up. “I should get back out there. Your brother's probably looking for me.” He said once he had gotten his laughter under control.

“Wouldn't want to keep you,” This was the first time that I had managed a conversation with Josh without being shy or nervous. “It was great seeing you. Don't be a stranger.”

“Oh, I won't,” He promised as he started walking away. He made it about ten feet before he turned around. “By the way, you look beautiful tonight. Love the shirt,” He winked at me.


	4. November 10, 2006

November 10, 2006

Boone, North Carolina

I was on break from work and had closeted myself up in my two-story cabin in the mountains of North Carolina. I had discovered this town while on tour when I was just fourteen and had fallen in love with it. The cabin was peaceful, nestled in the heart of the mountains with a clear view of Chimney Rock from my back porch. When I had my breakdown, Chris had bought me this cabin as a gift. The cabin is where he had taken me once I was released from the hospital. I may not have been born in North Carolina but I now considered it my home.

I was lounging on my overstuffed white sofa with my short-haired jack russell terrier, Novalee, asleep on my lap as I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince while snow fell outside. I had the radio tuned to the new music station.

“Now, folks, we have the first track off of JC Chasez's as yet untitled solo album. The name of the single is That Girl Will Never Be Mine and word on the street is that it was added to the album at the last minute. After you listen, go online and tell us what you think,” I heard the DJ announce and I sat up to listen as an uptempo song began to play.

“That girl will never be mine

First time I saw her she was a kid at her front door  
That girl, now her face's on every billboard  
Hands down, you won't believe the way she laid her eyes on me  
So sweet, she should be on the catwalk  
So fly, we've had a few small talks  
Too bad I didn't know it was her all along  
Please, tell me that she still loves me

Can't explain  
I never thought that I was gonna lose my head  
Call me insane  
There's got to be a way

How can I get next to her  
Now tell me how it's gonna be done  
Will I win or lose this one?  
(Don't care about the fact that)  
She's in a different league  
They say it's no use that I try  
That girl will never be mine

Next thing, she's all over my TV  
That girl, stealin' every daydream  
Tough luck, she had to be a star when I'm just washed up me  
But last night, I ran into her briefly  
Guess what, she seemed happy to see me  
Her brother would think I'm out of line  
Who's wrong, who's right this time?

Can't explain  
I never thought that I was gonna lose my head  
Call me insane  
There's got to be a way

How can I get next to her  
Now tell me how it's gonna be done  
Will I win or lose this one?  
(Don't care about the fact that)  
She's in a different league  
They say it's no use that I try  
That girl will never be mine

That girl is freakin' me out  
Don't care about the fact that she's all that  
That girl has blown out the doubt  
There's no way for me to stop

That girl could be tearin' up the big screen  
That girl stealin' every daydream  
Tough luck, she had to be the one for me  
She will be mine  
No matter what they try to say  
There's got to be a way

I wanna get next to her  
Now tell me how it's gonna be done  
Will I win or lose this one?  
(Don't care about the fact that)  
She's in a different league  
They say it's no use that I try  
That girl will never be mine”

Holy shit! That song was about me! Wait...was it about me? Everything certainly seemed to fit. He really did meet me (or catch me) at my front door and I was famous now. He had also mentioned a brother that wouldn't be happy about the two of us being together and I know for a fact that Chris wouldn't be happy with the thought of the two of us together. Josh was twelve years older than me.

I reached forward and grabbed my new CD off of the coffee table. I flipped it over and looked at track three. I thought about it for a few minutes before calling my manager and telling her that I wanted to release the track as single. If Josh was going to talk to me through music, I was going to talk back.


	5. November 15, 2006

November 15, 2006

Puerto Rico

 

I gave myself the once over in the wardrobe trailer's mirror. I was wearing a pair of faded Daisy Duke-style shorts and a black bikini top. I had very little makeup on and in my nose, I wore a peridot (Josh's birthstone) stud. Deciding that I looked exactly how I wanted to look, I made my way out onto the beach.

The director wanted me to walk in the surf as I sang and that is just what I did. I had done a last minute rewrite of the song before the CD had been released on November 8. As I started to sing, I hoped that Josh would get my message.

“Your song said that you're so into me

And that you need me desperately  
They say you say we're so complete

But I need to hear it straight from you  
If you want me to believe it's true  
I've been waiting for so long it hurts  
I wanna hear you say the words, please

Don't, don't let me be the last to know  
Don't hold back, just let it go  
I need to hear you say  
You need me all the way  
Oh, if you love me so  
Don't let me be the last to know

Your beautiful lyrics said so much  
Yeah, I wanna feel the way you touch  
But til' you say the words that won't be enough  
C'mon and tell me you're in love, please

Don't, don't let me be the last to know  
Don't hold back, just let it go  
I need to hear you say  
You need me all the way  
Oh, if you love me so  
Don't let me be the last to know

C'mon baby, c'mon darling, ooh yeah  
C'mon, let me be the one  
C'mon now, oh yeah

I need to hear you say  
You love me all the way  
And I don't wanna wait another day  
I wanna feel the way you feel  
Oh, c'mon

Don't, just let me be the one  
Don't hold back, just let it go  
I need to hear you say  
You need me all the way  
So…baby, if you love me  
Don't let me be the last to know”

I sang the last line while looking directly into the camera.


	6. November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving 2006

Boone, North Carolina

 

It felt nice to be hosting Thanksgiving for the first time in my little cabin. My mom was here as were my sisters, Emily, Shannon, and Mia. Chris was there with his new girlfriend Karly. I really liked her. She was sweet and smart and clearly adored my big brother. They had the type of relationship that I wished I had with Josh.

I was in the kitchen working on a pumpkin pie when Chris wandered in.

“Hey, Munchkin,” He got my attention. “I need you to come see something.”

“I'm kinda in the middle of something,” I looked down at the pie dough I was kneading.

“I got it,” Shannon came into the kitchen. “Trust me, you want to see this one.”

I let Chris lead me upstairs into my home office. He walked to the computer and pulled up YouTube, the new video sharing website that everyone was so in love with. I watched as he typed in JC Chasez in the search bar and then clicked on the first video that came up in the search results. Once the video was loaded he made me take a seat in the desk chair.

“I think Josh has something that he wants to say to you,” My brother said. “He released this video today and dedicated it to someone called Kid.” He pushed play.

The video wasn't anything special, it was just Josh sitting at a piano while singing. Once I heard the actual lyrics I began to cry.

“Your mama read you Cinderella  
You hoped it would come true  
That one day your Prince Charming  
Would come rescue you

You like romantic movies, you never will forget  
The way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet  
And all this time that you've been waiting  
You don't have to wait no more

I can love you like that  
I will make you my world  
Move heaven and earth  
If you were my girl  
I would give you my heart  
Be all that you need  
Show you you're everything  
That's precious to me  
If you give me a chance  
I can love you like that

I'll never make a promise I don't intend to keep  
So when I say forever, kid, forever's what I mean  
I'm no Casanova, but I swear this much is true  
I'll be holding nothin back when it comes to you  
You dream of love that's everlasting  
Well baby open up your eyes

I can love you like that  
I will make you my world  
Move heaven and earth  
If you were my girl  
I would give you my heart  
Be all that you need  
Show you you're everything  
That's precious to me  
If you give me a chance  
I can love you like that

You want tenderness (tenderness)  
I've got tenderness  
And I see through to the heart of you  
If you want a man (want a man) who understands  
Well you don't have to look very far

I can love you like that  
I will make you my world  
Move heaven and earth  
If you were my girl  
I would give you my heart  
Be all that you need  
Show you you're everything  
That's precious to me  
If you give me a chance  
I can love you like that”

By the end of the video, I had tears streaming down my face. I looked to my big brother to see what his reaction to this was.

“I don't like it,” He shook his head. “But that's my problem, not yours. As I told Josh there's obviously something between you two and if the only thing holding the two of you back is me...forget about me.”

He had talked to Josh about this? He wasn't giving the two of us his blessing but he wasn't going to stand in our way either. That was more than I could have ever dreamed of.

“Where did your mind go, Munchkin?” Chris' voice broke into my thoughts as he waved a hand in front of my face.

I knew what I was going to do.

“I need to release a song from the Christmas album I put out four years ago,” Was my response.

He looked at me confused.


	7. November 27, 2006

November 27, 2006  
Boone, North Carolina

 

Two days later, after hastily putting together a crew and calling in more than a few favors to find a director who would work on such short notice, we shot a video for my Christmas song, My Only Wish (This Year). It didn't cost much because we were shooting in my cabin. I had put up my unusual Phantom of the Opera themed Christmas tree (Josh had played the Phantom in high school) and I had replaced the family photos inside the silver picture frames that littered the living room with photos that featured me and Josh over the years. There was a group picture that had been taken on the Christmas Eve that we had first met. I was standing between Chris and Josh and looked so uncomfortable. There was a picture that Chris had taken of me and Josh sitting close together on my mom's couch watching Romeo & Juliet (the Leonardo Dicaprio version) when I was fourteen. Another picture showed me and Josh at Disney World when I was fifteen. We were on the Dumbo ride together, laughing. That would be the last time that I would see him for three years. The final picture sat on the colonial secretary desk that was against the wall. The same desk I would be sitting at to write my letter to Santa in the video and thus the picture that was on prominent display. It was a picture that a fan had taken at my album release party and posted to the internet. Josh was seated looking up at the stage – and me – like he was under some kind of magic spell.

I didn't go all out with my makeup and clothing. I wore a pair of black leggings and a white oversized cashmere sweater. I wore natural makeup and had even neglected to put my contacts in so I was wearing my frameless glasses. The ones that Josh had told me made me look like a cute librarian when I was fifteen. My sister Shannon had always told me that they brought out my dark brown eyes. I wasn't wearing any shoes – just white fuzzy socks. I normally wear heels of some kind when I'm in public. I was short – thus was the Kirkpatrick Curse. The stud in my nose was a simple, small diamond. I didn't want Josh to watch this video and see the “celebrity” me. I wanted him to see the me that I was behind the mask.

My only co-star was Novalee, who would be following me everywhere I go in the video just like she did in real life and had since I had gotten her as a gift from Josh on my thirteenth birthday.

As the music started, I took a seat at the secretary desk and pretended to write a letter to Santa.

“Last night I took a walk in the snow.  
Couples holding hands, places to go  
Seems like everyone but me is with their love.

Santa can you hear me  
I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss  
I sent it off  
It just said this  
I know exactly what I want this year.  
Santa can you hear me.  
I want my baby (baby, yeah)  
I want him to love me, I want him to hold me.  
Maybe (maybe, maybe maybe.) he'll be all my own in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?  
I have been so good this year and all I want is one thing  
Tell me my true love is near  
He's all I want, just for me, underneath my Christmas tree  
I'll be waiting here.  
Santa that's my only wish this year.  
ooh ohh yeah  
Christmas Eve I just can't sleep  
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?  
Cause I heard that you're coming to town

Santa can you hear me? (yea yeah)  
Really hope that you're on your way  
With someone special for me in your sleigh  
Ohh please make my wish come true  
Santa can you hear me  
I want my baby (baby)  
I want him to love me, I want him to hold me  
Maybe (maybe maybe) we'll be all the love under the mistletoe

Santa can you hear me  
I have been so good this year  
And all I want is one thing  
Tell me my true love is near  
He's all I want just for me  
Underneath my Christmas tree  
I'll be waiting here Santa that's my only wish this year  
I hope my letter reaches you in time  
Bring me love and tell me I can call him all mine  
(yeah yeah) cause I have been so good this year.

Can't be alone under the mistletoe  
He's all I want wrapped in a big red bow  
Santa can you hear me (hear me?)  
I have been so good this year  
And all I want is one thing  
Tell me my true love is near  
He's all I want. just for me  
Underneath my Christmas tree  
I'll be waiting here (ohh yeah) sonata that's my only wish this year  
Oh Santa can u hear me? oh Santa  
Well he's all I want just for me underneath my Christmas tree  
Oh I'll be waiting here  
Santa that's my only wish this year.”


	8. December 24, 2006, Pt. 1

Christmas Eve, 2006

Charlotte, North Carolina

 

“Seriously, Chris, this is ridiculous,” I complained. “I can't see anything.”

Two hours earlier, Chris and his girlfriend Karly had shown up on my doorstep in Boone. We had planned on spending Christmas Eve and morning together at my place before getting on a plane to visit my mother and sisters in Florida. Mia and her husband had just had a baby girl so my mom had wanted to stick close to home this year. This was her first grandchild after all.

“That's the point, Munchkin,” I heard Chris laugh as he guided me to sit down. I could hear the buzz of hundreds of other voices.

“Are we at a concert?” I asked confused.

“Yep, Josh is doing a Christmas concert,” Karly finally untied the blindfold.

I was sitting in Bojangles Coliseum in the front row. What the hell was going on?

The show was awesome, Josh was always amazing when he performed live, but I didn't see what was so special about this concert that Chris and Karly felt the need to blindfold me to get me here. Josh was just about to start his last song of the night.

“I want to dedicate this next song to Kid...I hope she feels the same way,” He looked right at me when he spoke. “I'm tired of being alone...and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. I love you, sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.”

The music started as I tried to hold back tears.

“Lookin’ back on childhood days  
I can’t believe my foolish ways  
Thought that Christmas only came from a store  
Had to know what was there for me  
Underneath the Christmas tree  
I didn’t know that there could be so much more  
But in all of the rush  
I was missing so much  
Girl you made me finally see

That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
‘Till you came into my life  
I was lost in the dark  
‘Till you opened my heart  
Like an angel shining bright  
I wished on a star  
And girl here you are  
Suddenly I realize  
That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
‘Till I looked into you eyes

Comin’ home for the holidays  
Seeing friends from around away  
There was always something missing for me  
On a sleigh ride caroling  
Didn’t really mean anything  
Without you to make it complete  
While the snows falling down  
There was joy all around  
‘Cause girl your love has shown me the way

That I never knew the meaning of Christmas   
‘Till you came into my life  
I was lost in the dark  
‘Till you opened my heart  
Like an angel shining bright  
I wished on a star  
And girl here you are  
Suddenly I realize  
That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
‘Till I looked into your eyes

But in all of the rush  
I was missing so much  
Girl you made me finally see..yeah

That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
(never knew, never knew, never knew...)  
‘Till you came into my life  
I was lost in the dark  
‘Till you opened my heart  
Like an angel shining bright  
I wished on a star  
And girl here you are  
Suddenly I realize  
That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
‘Till I looked into you eyes

That I never knew the meaning of Christmas  
‘Till I looked into your eyes”

There were tears running down my face as I turned to Chris. “I know you have a backstage pass...give it to me,” I demanded.

For once, Chris didn't make a joke. He didn't tease me. He just nodded at Karley who took an all-access backstage pass out of her purse and handed it to me.

I don't think I had ever walked that fast in my life. I showed my pass to six different guards before I found myself standing outside of Josh's dressing room.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” Josh called.

“It's me...Kennedy,” My voice broke slightly as I called back.

“Come in, sweetheart,”

With a shaking hand, I turned the doorknob.

He was seated on a tacky black-leather couch when I entered. The moment he actually saw me, he stood up.

“Hey,” I smiled shyly but I knew that he could hear the tears in my voice.

“Hey, beautiful,” He took a step towards me.

It looked like he wanted to reach for me but he restrained himself.

“Did you mean everything you've been saying in your songs? Everything you said on stage?” I got right to the point. I had to know. It was killing me. “Josh,” The tears started up again. “I don't think I could handle it if you didn't,” I admitted. I had come a long way since the night that I had taken a razor blade to my wrists but I was still fragile...I probably always would be.

“Every fucking word, Kennedy,” I had never heard him curse like that before. “I realized when you were fifteen that I felt things for you that I probably shouldn't, I mean I was twenty-seven!” He ran a hand through his hair. “That's when I started staying away. When I found out what you did to yourself...it nearly destroyed me. I knew that I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist. I finally broke up with Eva,” He mentioned the Desperate Housewives slut who had cheated on him time and time again. “I haven't been with anyone since. I know you are young and I know that I'm not exactly TigerBeat material anymore but I love you with everything that I am.”

He loved me. That was all I needed to know. He felt the same for me that I felt for him.

“Josh,” I looked up into his eyes as I wiped my tears away. “I have loved you since I was eight-years-old. I have never felt for anyone else what I feel for you. I wouldn't care if you were a homeless bum on the side of the street...all I want is you.”

The smile that overtook his face was blinding. He walked to stand in front of me and wrapped his arms loosely around my waist.

He leaned forward until his lips were only a half inch away from mine. “Can I kiss you, kid?”

“You better.” I giggled through my tears.

He leaned in the remaining distance and sealed our lips together. It started out gentle but slowly grew more passionate. He traced the seam of my lips with his tongue and I moaned. He took advantage of my open lips and plundered my mouth.

We were so lost in each other that we didn't hear when Chris knocked on the door. We also didn't hear it opening.

“Dude! Get off my sister!”

We both jumped apart and turned to find Chris and Karly standing in the doorway. Karly looked like she was barely keeping herself from laughing. Chris had a satisfied smirk on his face. He was happy he had scared us.

“Chris,” I growled. “You're an asshat,”

“What she said,” Josh nodded.

I watched as Chris took the keys to my Range Rover out of his pocket. Chris had driven us the two hours from my place.

“Yeah, you keep on thinking that,” Chris said as he tossed the keys to Josh.

Josh looked from the keys in his hand to my brother in confusion.

“Karly and I are catching a red-eye to Orlando that leaves in two hours. We have a cab waiting outside.” Chris explained. “Merry Christmas,”

Holy shit! Chris was giving me the best gift ever. I got to have Josh all to myself for Christmas.

“Your mom told us to tell you that she expects to see BOTH of you for New Years,” Karly said.

Once they were gone and we were alone again, I turned to look at Josh. Suddenly, I didn't know what to say. The man had just had his tongue in my mouth and I was choosing to be shy and awkward now?!

Josh must have sensed my dilemma because he pulled me back into his arms and laid a kiss on my forehead. “So...you want a house guest for Christmas?” He asked in a teasing voice.

“I want a house guest for more than just Christmas,” I responded softly. I can't believe that I had just admitted that. I must have sounded needy as hell.

“When I'm not on the road for work, you would let me crash with you?” There was a smile on his face as he asked the question.

“Of course,” I didn't hesitate to respond. “How about we head back to my place and start with Christmas?” I suggested.

He pecked me lightly on the lips. “Just let me grab my bags and let security know what's going on,”


	9. December 24, 2006, Pt. 2

Christmas Eve, 2006

Boone, North Carolina

 

It was closing in on midnight by the time we made it back to my cabin. We had talked the whole way home and Josh had held my hand as he drove. I was never one to enjoy sitting in the passenger seat but I found myself thinking I could get used to it so long as Josh was driving.

As I unlocked the front door, I heard the sound of Novalee's little paws on the hardwood floor as she ran to the door. As I pushed open the door, my little crack head of a dog jumped up on me in excitement. You would think that I had been gone for months, not five hours.

Josh dropped his bag by the front door and got down on his knees to pet Novalee. “I see you still have the little runt,” He pet the dog as she jumped up trying to lick his face.

“Yep, she's my...baabbbbyy,” I yawned.

“I think it's bedtime for you, kid,” Josh chuckled as he stood. “Do you need to take Novie out?” He was the only one who ever called my dog that.

“She has a doggy door...she lets herself out,” I explained before pulling a disgusted face. “And don't use the word bedtime. It makes me feel like a kid and this gets all sorts of uncomfortable.”

He laughed before pulling me into his arms. “Well, you better get comfortable quick, sweetheart.” He kissed me. “Because I plan on waking up tomorrow morning with you in my arms. You are not a kid.” He said firmly. “You're all woman...my woman.”

Holy crap, I thought, hearts really could melt. That wasn't just something romance authors made up. Who knew?

“I'm yours now?” I surprised myself by teasing him.

“Um...you better be,” He gave me a mock glare. “The execs at Jive are ready to kill me after I added your songs to the album at the last minute.”

“Actually, they are probably ready to kill us both,” I laughed as I started to lead him up the stairs. “At least all you did was add songs to the album, I released a new single at the last minute AND I made them re-release my Christmas album just so I could release one song...AND they ate the cost of the video. How much you wanna bet that they are going to make me do something stupid – like host TRL – to make up for it?”

Josh just laughed as we entered my bedroom...which was the entire second floor.

“Wow,” Was all Josh had to say when he saw the nirvana that I had created for myself.

There was a huge bay window with comfy black cushions on the window seat...that was where Novalee preferred to sleep. On one wall there was a fireplace that was surrounded by a brown suede overstuffed couch and a smaller red velvet settee. On the opposite wall was my bed. It was a California king size four poster made out of pine with posts designed to look like polished tree trunks. On the bed was a chocolate brown comforter and the closable drapes were a scarlet red. The wall by the door held pictures of my family and friends in black leather frames. The rest of the walls contained bookshelves filled with every book that you could think of.

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I got a little carried away up here...but it's my first place.” I reasoned.

Josh kicked off his shoes, switched on the radio on my dresser (Frank Sinatra's version of Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! was playing) and sat on the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to stand between his legs. When I was where he wanted me, he reached up and traced the line of my jaw with his hand. “I love it...but not as much as I love you,” He pulled me down for a kiss.

Before I knew it, I was straddling his lap and he had his hand up the back of my shirt.

Josh came to his senses first and gently pulled away. “Sweetheart, we need to slow down,” His voice sounded strained.

“Why?” I pouted. I actually pouted like a child.

“Because you're young and I'm assuming a virgin?” He looked at me questioningly.

I nodded and blushed.

“You're a virgin and your first time should be special,” He laid a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. “What could be more special than losing my virginity to the man I love – and who loves me back – on Christmas?” I challenged.

“Are you sure, baby?” He cupped my cheek in his hand.

“I've never wanted anything more,” I smiled.

That was all he needed to hear. He reached for the hem of my baggy sweater and pulled it over my head.

“Jesus,” He ran his hands up my stomach. When he reached my breasts, he gave them a firm squeeze. “I knew you would be perfect,” He said more to himself than to me before pulling his hands away. He gently pushed me away from him and got to his feet.

He walked to the fireplace and hit the button on the wall beside it to turn it on before hitting the light switch. The only light in the room now came from the glow of the fire in the grate. I quickly shed my clothes and got in bed as he turned the radio up just a little. Bing Crosby's version of Winter Wonderland was now playing. He quickly discarded his own clothes – Were they all supposed to be that wide and thick? – and joined me under the covers and crawled on top of me to lay between my spread thighs. The feeling of him rubbing against me made me moan. He started trailing kisses down my neck and to my chest. He suckled one breast and then the other before he grabbed my right wrist and laid a kiss against my tattoo.

“Please, promise me that you will never do anything like this again? You can always come to me when you're sad and I swear that you will never be lonely again.” He looked into my eyes. “I don't know what I would do if I lost you.”

A tear escaped my eye. “I promise,” I managed to choke out.

He laid kisses on every inch of my body and had spent a full twenty minutes between my legs driving me insane before he finally crawled back up to kiss my lips.

“Are you on anything, baby?” He asked against my lips.

“Mom put me on the pill when I was sixteen,” I replied.

“I'm clean,” He promised me as his tongue came out to lick along my bottom lip. “I want to feel you skin on skin, sweetheart,”

I needed him so bad that I thought I would cry if I didn't feel him inside of me soon. “I trust you,” I told him breathlessly.

He lined himself up and rubbed himself against my opening a few times before gently pushing inside. He was stretching me as far as it felt like I could go but it didn't hurt. Once he was halfway inside of me, he stopped.

He looked into my eyes. “This is going to hurt a little bit but I promise I will make it better.” He reached a hand down in-between us to rub my clit.

“It's okay,” I nodded.

With one quick thrust, my maidenhood was gone and his cock was buried all of the way inside me.

I bit my lip to keep myself from crying as Josh whispered sweet, loving words in my ear and continued the assault of his fingers on my clit.

Before long the pain gave way to a much more pleasurable feeling and I started rocking against him. “It's okay, baby, please move,” I begged.

Josh removed his fingers and grabbed my hands in his. He held them over my head and interlocked our fingers as he slowly pulled out and pushed himself back in. He continued at this slow pace until I was ready to scream.

“Please, faster,” I begged.

He obliged and sped up. It wasn't long until I went tumbling over the edge, taking Josh with me.

We lay there – Josh with his head between my breasts – for what felt like forever trying to catch our breaths.

Josh managed to pull himself up and brace himself on his arms as he gave me a slow, lazy kiss. “I love you so much, Kennedy,” He spoke against my lips.

“I love you too.” I pecked his lips.


	10. December 25, 2016

Christmas Morning, 2016

Winston-Salem, North Carolina

 

“Momma! Daddy! Santa came!” I awoke to my three children bouncing on my bed.

“Alright, alright, we're up, you little monsters,” Josh sat up in bed beside me with a tired laugh. He was still handsome...even at forty.

I couldn't believe that this was our tenth Christmas together. It was our fifth as a married couple.

A lot had changed in ten years. Both Josh and I had retired from the spotlight. He now worked as a producer from the custom studio in our basement and I was a housewife. We had married on December 15, 2011, and I was already three months pregnant with our first child at the time. When I gave birth to our daughter, Diana Marie on June 4, 2012, I knew that no career in the spotlight was more important than her. I had been a popstar and now I wanted to be a full-time mommy. Our twins, John “Jack” Scott and Oliver Jonas had followed two years later. We had moved from Boone to Winston-Salem because our cabin was too small for a growing family and we didn't want to raise our kids in the middle of nowhere nor in Florida or California. Our life was normal, steady...completely routine... and I loved it.

As me and my husband were dragged out of bed by a four-year-old and a pair of two-year-olds, I couldn't help but be thankful for the life – and family – that I had been given. I rubbed my swollen belly as I thought of how our family would be growing in three months time. We were having another daughter that we planned on naming Shelby-Lynn.

As our kids ripped into their presents while Josh and I sat on the couch watching, he dropped a kiss on top of my head. “Love you, kid,”

“Love you too,” I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder.

FINIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!


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